Main takeaways
A collection of insightful observations about why relationships are hard and when we are ready to make the commitment of marriage
Notes
Why do we end up with the wrong people?
- We don’t understand ourselves.
All of us are crazy in very particular ways. We’re distinctively neurotic, unbalanced, and immature, but don’t know quite the details because no one ever encourages us too hard to find them out. An urgent, primary task of any lover is therefore to get a handle on the specific ways in which they are mad.
- We don’t understand other people.
- We aren’t used to being happy.
As adults, we may reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways.
- Being single is so awful
One is never in a good frame of mind to choose a partner rationally when remaining single has come to feel unbearable. We have to be utterly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to have a chance at forming a good relationship. Or we’ll love no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us being so.
- Instinct has too much prestige
- We don’t go to schools of love
- We want to freeze happiness
- We believe we are special
- We want to stop thinking about love
We are ready to marry when:
- We give up on perfection
New vow: “I agree to marry this person even though they will, on a regular basis, drive me to distraction.”
- We accept that we will not be fully understood all the time
- Good communication is the key
No one properly understands, and can therefore fully sympathize with, anyone else.
- We realize we are crazy
- When we are ready to love rather than be loved
In adulthood, when we first say we long for love, what we predominately mean is that we want to be loved as we were once loved by a parent…we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, be immensely patient and sympathetic with us, act selflessly, and make it all better. New vow: “Whenever I have the strength in me to do so, I will imitate those who once loved me and take care of my partner as these figures cared for me. The task isn’t an unfair chore or a departure from the true nature of love. It is the only kind of love really worth of that exalted word.”
- When we are ready for administration
- When we understand that sex and love do and don’t belong together
- When we are happy to be taught and calm about teaching
- When we realize that we’re not that compatible