Main takeaways
There are simple but powerful questions and strategies that we can use to better help people we work with.
Why develop a coaching habit?
A coaching habit can address 3 problems:
- Overdependence: Your team has become overly reliant on you to help.
- Overwhelm: You may becoming overwhelmed from the demands and pressure (often self-inflicted) to help your team.
- Disconnect: You and your team may have a growing feeling of disconnection from your work, and coaching can help everyone discover the root causes of problems which can help navigate towards more meaningful work.
What people think of as the moment of discovery is really the discovery of the question. Jonas Salk
How to build a habit
- Make a vow that frames your habit as an act of service to others
- Find the triggers for your old habit—be as specific as possible
- Make your new habit short and specific
- Practice deeply
- Practice small chunks of the full action
- Repeat the action (at different speeds, in different ways)
- Mindfully notice when the action goes well
- Make a plan for getting back on track
Note
When this happens [insert trigger], instead of [describe old habit], I will [describe new habit].
Question 1: The Kickstart Question
Question
What’s on your mind?
3 P’s of what the difficulty may be:
- Projects
- People
- Patterns (of behavior)
Question 2: The AWE Question
Question
And what else?
Why this question?
- Buys you time to think
- Prevents you from leaping in to offer advice
Variations of this question:
- And what else could you try?
- And what else is a challenge for you?
Question 3: The Focus Question
Question
What’s the real challenge here for you?
Why this question?
- Allows you to focus on the real problem—not just the first problem named
Question 4: The Foundation Question
Question
What do you want?
Why this question?
- Allows you to figure out what they really need
- Examples of universal needs
- ❤️ Affection
- 🎨 Creation
- 🛝 Recreation
- 🍃 Freedom
- 🙋♀️ Identity
- 👂 Understanding
- 👭 Participation
- 🛡️ Protection
- 🍓 Subsistence
Four primary drivers that govern how our brains read a situation for danger (TERA acronym):
- Tribe: “Are you with me, or are you against me?”
- Expectation: “Do I know what will happen or not?”
- Rank: “Are you more important or less important than I am?” If I feel diminished, I will feel more danger.
- Autonomy: “Do I get a say or don’t I?”
Goal of a coach-like question asker is to increase the TERA quotient
- “What do you want?” helps with tribe and rank because it shows that you care
- The other coaching questions get the person being helped to find their own answers, which helps with autonomy
Question 5: The Lazy Question
Question
How can I help?
Question 6: The Strategic Question
Question
If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?
We can guard our Yes’s by being more curious before committing:
- Why are you asking me?
- Whom else have you asked?
- When you say this is urgent, what do you mean?
- According to what standard does this need to be completed? By when?
- If I couldn’t do all of it but just a part, what part would you want me to do?
- What do you want me to take off my plate so I can do this?
Question 7: The Learning Question
Question
What was most useful for you?
General tips for coaching questions
- Ask only ONE question at a time
- Cut the intro (framing, explanation, warm-up), and just ask the question
- DON’T ask questions that are pieces of advice phrased as a question
- Use “what?” questions
- “Why?” questions can come off in an accusatory way and make the person being coached feel defensive
- Get comfortable with silence
- Actually listen to the answer with curiosity
- Acknowledge the answers you get before asking the next question
- Remember that questions are effective in every channel (like email and messaging apps)